hawt_busser_boi

Life is strange...

2007-04-24T06:30:24Z

So, I have a few things to update. I'm happy that I've apparently lost 2lbs. I'm not happy enough though. It's not enough. Everyone thought I was going to kick my problem, but I think I just need to mask it up a bit better. :) So, that aside, things are going fine I suppose. This weekend was kind of busy. Full of emotions and events.

Saturday - I saw my boyfriend, or whatever we are exactly. We ended up not going hiking which let me down a bit, but ended up closing the deal instead. -rolls eyes- Here I was swearing I was going to wait for it to be special and I gave in to my hormones and him. At least I was sex free for four months. lol After that, I watched my godson for a while and then went to spend the night at katy's. We had a lot of fun.

Sunday - I was at katy's again most of the day. We watched this stupid movie that was funny because of it's stupidity. I don't remember what it was but it had paris hilton in it playing a chick named Victoria. haha! It was great!

So, today I was at Amanda's all afternoon and visited with her and cared for my godson for a while. I had a pretty good time overall. I was really sad today because I haven't heard much from Ashley or Bane. Just a little through texts. I think Ashley might be planning to keep the baby, but that' sjust what I'm hoping. :) I'd really like to start buying things soon and getting ready. Now I'm back at home and getting ready to sign offline in a while. I'll probably go DDR for a while and then do push ups and sit ups and go to bed. Tomorrow I shall try my best to make myself go running! :D Best wishes to everyone! -hugs-

<3

Train Trip!

2007-04-04T23:00:40Z

Yay! I just got back last night from Oregon! I had a lot of fun. I met Vicky and we had a lot of fun! She made me feel a lot more comfortable being myself. I met some cool people and loved it down there. I felt like I was at home and I'm thinking of going back, or even moving down there several months from now. Right now I'm feeling kind of sick. (Purely my fault..) Vicky and her family made me eat at least a little, but I still lost a pound while I was down there. YAY! I hope that now that I have DDR again I'll lose more. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, but I know different. lol There was a whole lot of fun things I wanted to say, but now I'm not sure. I kind of missed everyone. The only reason I'm not glad to come home is the fact it's an entirely different atmosphere first off and second, I don't want to come back to all the drama around here.

My friend Amanda brought her son Brandon Lee over. He's my Godson. :) He's 3 months old on the 8th and weighs 12lbs. It was very nice to see him and take care of him for a while. She had me change his diaper, his outfit, and feed him. Haha! I think she enjoyed the break quite a bit. -chuckles- He's such a great baby and makes me think a lot about my situation... here are a few pictures...

I'll comment back to anyone who comments! Love you guys! Missed you! Take care and best of luck!

My Crazy Mixed Up Life..

2007-03-22T19:34:57Z

Okay, so things have been going okay. I think today I'm upset with myself because I ate more than I wanted to. That's okay for I can just DDR now for several hours later if I want to. haha! I was thinking about starting to run again, but it's cold and while that is no excuse, I'll wait a few more weeks. Hmm, let's see what's been going on.

I spent a few days with a good friend. We have recently made up and we went out and had some fun. I miss getting out and having fun. I finally spent some money on myself for once. It did feel kind of nice. They are right in the fact that money can't make you happy, though. I've known that, but I seem to keep learning that lesson. My happiness never seems to be fully acheieved. There always seems to be some flaw in just about every situation that prevents that. I guess it must be a timing thing.

I've met a few really amazing people online from here. That makes me feel good. I'm glad I decided to join LJ again. There are a lot of wondeful people here. -big hugs to his new friends- You guys make me excited to get online all the time. I always know that I'll have or find something worth reading! :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

So, I did slip up the other day. I was doing good. I was just short of 3 months clean. Yeah, it was fun at the time, but now I wish I hadn't again. It's just tryin to push me off course even more. I can't afford for that to happen right now. Still, I don't exactly know WHAT course that is anymore. I've just figured everything out only to find that my whole life could be changing. All I really want is for someone to love me and want to be with me. That's not too much to ask. I only want to be happy. I know that doesn't mean I have to be in a relationship, but I can't explain it. Right now I wouldn't even mind going out and having a good time partying, or being single with friends. It's just that all my friends aren't single so that makes it harder.

   I actually had things to post here, but now I just can't seem to talk about anything but crap. I guess I'm just getting kind of depressed again. Nobody really knows that though I don't think because I'm trying to pretend nothing is wrong and deny it even to myself. I'm not deeply depressed only on the surface. I just can't shake the feeling I'm never going to truly get the few things in life that have always mattered to me. I'm not exactly getting any younger. Sure, i'm still relatively young, but I'd rather not waste my youth being unhappy.

   I'm going to go before I make this any longer or write anything else depressing. I apologize to anyone reading this. I swear I didn't mean for it to come out this way at all. -sighs- I guess everyone has to have some down time now and again. Take care and I'll talk to you guys later.

Fun stuff...

2007-03-17T13:58:13Z

So, tonight wasn't a bad night. Misty was the only waitress on tonight. That was fine until the bar rush came in. It really sucks with one waitress on a friday night bar rush. Still, Misty and I work excellently together and we made it through just fine. In fact, I didn't get out any later than I normally do. That's always a plus. I'm hoping that tonight won't be too terribly bad. I have a really bad feeling that St. Patrick's Day might be really busy though. I'm hoping that at least they will have two waitresses scheduled if that's the case.

-Thinks- Umm, I don't think I really did anything yesterday except sleep, get online, and work. How sad is that? I'm really hoping to see Ashley later today. I haven't seen her for two weeks now. We have talked online a few times last week and through myspace twice since last week, but that's it. I'm sure I could really use a visit from her. I miss her like crazy and I think we have a lot to talk about. She'll be on spring break so I'm hoping that something will get accomplished since she'll have more time on her hands. -smiles- I'm still scared though..

Yup! That's about it. I'm planning to get some sleep here in about an hour or a little more. I'll wake up hopefully at two and then go shopping really quick. I don't know if I really want to go shopping yet though. Payday is tuesday and maybe I'll just wait a few more days. What would it hurt? lol So, now that I'm done updating. I'll write more later. Ttyl.

Another Quiz

2007-03-16T06:42:50Z

Same place, different quiz. This one seemed to be really fitting as well. I like this place. I wish there were more quizes to take. -grins-

<a href="http://onnachance.com/quiz/celestial.htm" target="new">Find your Celestial Choir</a>

Hmmm...I love these things!

2007-03-16T06:03:19Z

<a href="http://onnachance.com/quiz/fae.htm" target="new">
<img src="http://onnachance.com/quiz/fae1.gif" border=0>
</a><br />
<a href="http://onnachance.com/quiz/fae.htm" target="new">What type of Fae are you?</a>

So, this is pretty much quite a bit like me. I was rather surprised. Normally, I take these because I'm bored and to laugh at them. However, this one kind of surprised me. I saw this on Alexander's LJ (I think lol) and did it myself. Comments welcome. -grins-

-Sigh-

2007-03-15T06:52:31Z

Today has been a pretty boring and uneventful day. I slept quite a bit because I woke up with the worst toothache I've had in a long time. So, I decided to just sleep off the pain instead of taking medicine. I really should eventually make my way to the dentist probably. That sounds like the smart thing to do. lol

I miss Ashley so much. I don't feel bad about posting it here where I know I can get my thoughts out and I'm not annoying people with them. She's my best friend and the single most important person in my life besides family and Katy. They all tie for most important in my life. Still, I haven't talked to Ashley (or seen her) in almost two weeks. If you don't count the one online convo and one myspace message. I get so bored and lonely when I spend this much time alone. Most people think of me as shy and anti-social, but that's not true anymore. I'm really hoping to see Ashley sometime this week.

Okay, so onto my inner struggles. I'm constantly feeling the need to figure out what is right or wrong in my life. Sure, it would be simple if I was figuring out what is right or wrong for me. No. I can't help but feel pressured to do what's right to the world. No, I don't mean right for other people, but really the world. I know it doesn't make sense very well. It's not an acceptance thing from other people that I'm trying to find, but in myself and whatever else is out there. I'm sure a lot of people reading this might not believe in a higher power or more of a purpose to life than living and dying. I do.

I just can't believe that things don't happen for a reason. Looking back on my own life even what seemed like the worst experience has taught me something. It brought me to the point I'm at today. Without each and every one of the events that happened to me I would have wound up in a different place in one way or another. Whether it was mentally, physically, spiritually, or emotionally- it would have still been a change. I can't believe, or rather don't like to believe, that we just HAPPENED to come into existance. While I'm not sure I can fully believe in the God the bible speaks of, I have to believe in something. That brings me to this part of my thoughts...

Pagan/Wiccan beliefs. Almost as long as I've questioned my sexuality I've been curious or felt drawn to this path. I can't really explain it. All my life I've felt a close connection to the world around me. When I talk about the world around me I don't mean people. I've almost always felt a disconnection with them. That makes more sense now then it did while I was growing up. Anything nature related has always fascinated me and made me feel at home. I can say the same thing about water. While I do have a fear of water, I feel almost at home in or around it. I love the way it feels, how connected to the world and myself I feel in it. Yet, at some point I always feel guilty for these thoughts.

I'm pretty sure it's a fear of the biblical God. Afraid that if I embrace the ways my heart seems to be calling me to (homosexuality, pagan/wiccan path, etc) that if my beliefs were proven wrong (by a higher judgement etc) that I would forever suffer for my pleasures in life. BUT, can I really go through life feeling miserable just to please the thought of possibly having a happy after life? What if there really isn't a traditional after life or biblical God? Then all this ignoring my heart would be for nothing. See what I'm saying? I'm proud to say I've finally accepted my homosexuality fully. That has probably been one of the biggest accomplishments I've made.

Anyway, I definitely have more struggles, but I wrote more than I intended here. I'm kind of getting tired of writing now. Besides, if any of you have even read this than I'm feeling bad about the length of it all. I would ask of anyone who did take the time (and again I apologize for the length and such) to read this, I would greatly appreciate a comment on your thoughts about it all. Anything helps! -Smile- Take care. -Big Hugs-

~ Randy

Here and Now..

2007-03-10T03:57:39Z

Hmm, I don't really have time to make this all pretty or anything right now. Later, I might fix this up to look really cool. We'll have to wait and see. I've been pretty bored lately and sometimes I need somewhere to get things out. Sure, I talk to my friends, but it just feels different when you feel like it's personal and kept to yourself. Yeah, I realize LJ isn't exactly a secret place. lol

I can't wait to go and have my red bull before work. I'll probably need it. lol I'm kind of thinking of starting a fast. Everyone hates the idea which kind of makes me laugh. Fasting is actually supposed to be good to clean out your body. Anyway, I'll think about it a bit more and maybe give it a try.

I miss Ashley a lot. Yeah, I know I saw her on Sunday, but that just feels like so long ago. She's the light in my life. She keeps me going and makes me happy. There are times where I don't know how I get through without her. I don't want to think about having to live without her. I'm hoping she's okay and everything. We talked online both tuesday and wednesday night I think. I called her today to see if she wanted to hang out, but I guess she's already busy or .. something. Here is to hoping that before the weekend is out we'll hang out..

I hung out with Katy and Will for a bit today. That went pretty well. I'm glad to have gotten out for a while. They are very interesting and crack me up sometimes. It makes me wonder if I'll ever get married, or if I'll want to. lol We went to the animal shelter and then the mall. I had a good time for the most part.

I've been talking a lot to Bane lately. I'm very proud of him because he really seems to be trying to turn his life around like me. That makes me really happy. Who knows, maybe in time we will just keep getting closer. Oops! That reminds me that I forgot to give him a call earlier. He's been a big help to me lately with everything that's going on.

I already miss my regulars at work. How sad is that? lol I'm pretty sure I'll get to see them tonight though which makes me happy. As long as it's not terribly busy like it was last week then it will be great! I swear, the full moon does things to people. So, here is to hoping that heather, james, and the gang show up!

I'll wrap this up because I have to get ready to go to work soon. I hope that next time I post I'll have something more exciting to talk about. -yawns- goodnight.